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Thursday, 19 September 2013

Five ways in which GTA5 can ruin your life

Today I need to start with another apology - I have done no writing, none at all, since 00:01 on the 17th September.  The reason?

GTA 5

 
Queuing at midnight 


To my fan, (or maybe fans now?  I'm sure a second person out there has read it?), this is a personal apology to you, from the very bottom of my heart.  It's true, I'm addicted.  I'm an addict, and the first step (I'm told) is to admit it.

The problem is, I don't really want to stop....

GTA 5 really is that good, but I have discovered a few problems with it, however, that I felt it was important to share with the wider world.  These problems could have a significant effect on yourself, your friends and family, and your personal safety.  They could even, wait for it,

SAVE YOUR LIFE!

Or not, who knows.  Certainly not me.

1.  Driving.
In the UK we drive on the left.  The LEFT!  I have to keep reminding myself of that every time I stop playing for a few minutes and go to the shop or collect my daughter from school.  Also, red traffic lights actually mean stop.  They do not mean weave between or around the parked cars or just floor it and ram them out of the way.  They do not mean drive on the pavement.  In fact, NEVER drive on the pavement, ever!  Pedestrians will get hurt, and your insurance premiums will go through the roof!

2.  Language and speech.
I have friends, I have family, and I have co-workers and colleagues.  I do not have 'homies'. I have never and will never have 'homies', and I don't live in 'the hood'.  Also, remember the instructional videos you saw when you took the job?  The HR lady is right, believe me.  It is never, never ever, okay to refer to Stephen in accounting as 'my nigga'.

3.  The police
Just because you hear a siren when you are out and about, it doesn't mean that they're after you.  You do not need to accelerate and drive erratically, steal someone else's car, or drive into a local garage and demand they repaint your car right there and then.  In addition, getting out of the car and crouching behind a fence for a couple of minutes is probably unnecessary too.

4.  Food and drink
If you find yourself injured (maybe you've been ran over by a car, been shot several times, or somehow fallen off of a roof because you pressed x instead of square), go to a hospital.  Eating a chocolate bar or drinking some cola will not heal you.  It just won't.  Doctors, nurses, surgery, that's what you need for major life threatening injuries.  A Snickers just doesn't cut it.  Dial 999 and ask for the ambulance.

5.  Swimming
If you're lucky enough to live near the beach, change your clothes before you jump into the ocean.  Maybe you're an excellent swimmer, I don't know.  Maybe you've even swam across the Channel.  Ether way, doing it in a pair of jeans and a hoodie is not ideal.  In fact, it's downright stupid.  That's right, I said it.  Stupid.  Speedo's exist for a reason, people.

Anyway, thanks for reading, and remember, be careful out there.


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